Fake trees, fake butter, fake snoobs

   Sorry, but some things need to be real and the latest on the list that I've had to come to terms with is fake Christmas trees.
   While this year has probably been the most trying for me, it seemed the idea of acquiring my first-ever fake Christmas tree was a distinct probability.
   However as we inched into December, I was thunderstruck by the price tags for something that's not even close to real and I balked. Although my wondrous wife and I had discussed (and kinda decided) that we would procure a plastic tree this season, I couldn't justify the idea of paying well over $100 for something which I loathed.
   So I snatched up a $26 REAL Douglas Fir from Home Depot and erected it in the dining room and officially began the season as it should.
   And do you know why?
   Because you can bask in its scent — the scent of the season. And it's interesting because whatever decorations happen go on the tree are irrelevant to me; irrelevant when compared to the scent.
   I realized that my core aversion to fake trees is that they simply cannot recreate that natural, primal, hope and joy that is the evergreen fragrance.
  For those of you who have adapted to the fake tree I do not wish to offend. If it works for you I'm happy — after all, you're preserving the environment and all that.

 ———

   Regarding fake butter, I believe I trust the cow more than something created in a lab with unpronounceable ingredients. Also, the cow knows nothing of profits and capacity management versus product safety and toxicity, so again, I trust what God made.

 ———

  Now fake snoobs. During half a century of dealing with breast cancer patient trauma, doctors developed implants for women who have undergone a mastectomy in order to restore an ersatz balance and renewed self esteem and that's a very good thing.
   But naturally the inane vanity that drives this country's entertainment world of the rich and famous elevated the status of the implant to the ridiculous realm of a 'must have' accessory. Think of it as the femme version of the 'big dick' complex that (purportedly) measures real men.
   The truth of the matter is real mean (of any size) prefer to feel real women (of any size) as opposed to something that is hard and unnatural.
  So, fake trees don't smell right; fake butter doesn't taste right; and fake snoobs just don't feel right.