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| A newt audknits.com/2009/01/waddles-with-newts |
I'm a bit of a traditionalist and have faith in the folks of Iowa and New Hampshire. I think it's good that candidates have to get face to face with voters and try to explain their positions and answer real questions from real people.
But this year I don't envy the Hawkeyes or Hampshireites — this is one wacky pack of Republicans and trying to figure a standard bearer has never appeared so perplexing.
John Huntsman Jr. has no chance of winning but he should be in the eventual winner's Cabinet; even if that winner is Barack Obama (he was with him once before). We must have leaders in government who can speak Mandarin Chinese or Arabic if we expect the world to take us seriously; if we want to keep from getting blind-sided or steamrolled.
So Huntsman has a place, it's just not in the Oval Office.
The same can be said of the other wannabes: Michelle Bachmann is entertaining and scary, a natural to run the USO; Ron Paul is logical and therefore a firebrand and he's ancient and therefore unelectable; I don't know what Rick Santorum is doing up there looking like an altar boy; and unfortunately (for him) Herman Cain can't keep Herman Cain's past locked in a closet (and Mrs. Herman Cain seems less than enthusiastic regarding his capabilities).
This leaves Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Mitt Romney.
Following Rick Perry's head-scratching first date with New Hamster residents, Carl Hiassen observed:
"After that weird speech, Perry’s strategic mistake was claiming to be straight when it happened. He should have just said, “Yeah, OK, I had a few beers.” Or even, “Shoot, I must’ve accidentally popped a Xanax instead of my Lipitor.”
Then people would have thought: Oh, that explains it.
But the possibility that he was totally sober isn’t quite as funny. In fact, it’s semi-terrifying."
One would think that the Perry camp would have sat Gov. All Hat and No Cattle down to say, "Look, we're not in Texas anymore. You need to raise your game from D to at least B ... pronto, amigo, or yer gonna git hornswaggled!"
But wow, he followed the Granite State meltdown with a titanic brain-freeze in the Detroit debate, begging for help from Ron Paul who kinda scoffed at the governor and watched him twist at the podium.
Oops!
Was "OOPS!" all the moron could manage? And all I can picture is Ashley Simpson's reaction to her lip-synching fiasco.
It's tough to fake being a political visionary if all you can do in a moment of crisis is mimic, "Garsh, ah didn't know ah'd have to remember three atemz?"
Rick Perry is an embarrassment to his state and the GOP stage.
The Party just might take him up on his desire to quit the debates and merely let him scurry from rest home knitting circles, to VFW 50/50 nights, to a ... to a.... to a ... third place he can't think of right now.
He's toast.
So, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney.
Let's say Mitt finally steps in it. Somebody, I dunno, unearths his vital records to reveal that 'Mitt' really isn't Mitt but a previously institutionalized insurance salesman from Quincy named Leo Stapolski who's been running this 'Romney' ruse since 1967.
So. President Newt .... hmmmmm ..... President Newt ...... hmmmmm .... Presi- ........ not a chance.
It reminds me of Bob Dole's doomed 1996 bid.
Now I know this is going to sound crass [that's why you're here], but there was no way that dude was going to be elected president simply because — given the choice — Americans want to see their president strong and virile and frankly Sen. Dole's inability to shake hands (his right arm paralyzed from war wounds) was just enough for people not to vote for him.
The same is true of ex Rep. Gingrich.
No matter how much his supporters may refer to his purported "towering intellect," I can't believe that many Americans would choose a Newt over a Barack.
But it remains early and I could be off base.
* Yet another title stolen from "Monty Python and The Holy Grail"
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